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Published: 22 December 2013
Questions to Ask A Potential Spouse
by Shannon Abulnasr
Copyright 2013 www.ifoundislam.net
I have compiled an extremely comprehensive questionnaire, comprised of 200 essential questions that everyone should have their potential spouse answer 'at the beginning' of discussions for marriage, not months into talking. Have these questions answered before you you get “attached” to the person.
It can save you both a lot of time and heartache if you know the information up front, rather than taking sometimes months or years to gather such information. I see many people stay in “talks” and actually marry people, simply because they invested a lot of time into it. Your life is more valuable than that. Time is valuable, so don't waste it on someone that isn't worth it!
Don't expect them to answer it if you are not willing to do the same.
Additional Advice: Have both parties answer these questions in writing, so that you can both rely back to it in the future if one does/says something different. If they don't want to give you answers to some of the questions, or “neglect” to answer them, consider it a red flag to pay attention to.
Life is short, don't waste time with those that won't match up with your wants. Don't gamble away your life and future with someone that intends to be deceptive with you from the get-go. No one will watch out for you better than yourself!
For the sisters out there, get yourself a wali to help you verify the answers provided to ensure that the person is telling the truth. We all know that people can be very deceiving to achieve whatever goals they have. People know what the other person “wants” to hear, and will give all the nice answers. So, be responsible in your journey to married life.
Pre-Marital Questionnaire & Personal Bio
About You: (16 Questions)
What is your legal name?
How old are you?
Eye color/Hair color:
What is your occupation/career?
How long have you worked at current job? If unemployed, how long have you been unemployed and why?
What is the highest level of education you have achieved?
What country were you BORN in?
What nationalities do you possess?
What legal status (current) do you have in other countries?
What ethnicity are you?
Where you born and raised as a Muslim, converted to Islam, or do you practice another faith?
If you converted to Islam, when did you convert? And what was your prior religion?
What city, state, country do you CURRENTLY LIVE in?
Do you have children now? If so, what are their names, sex, and ages?
About Your Family: (12 Questions)
What are the names of your parents and siblings?
Have you ever been married before?
Are you married now?
What is your relationship with your family like? Is there anyone that you don't have a good relationship with and why?
What are the professions of your family members?
What are the education levels of your family members?
Where do your family members currently live ( city, country)?
Are any of your siblings married?
What is the expectations or limitations on whom your parents will accept for you to marry?
Do they only want you to marry someone someone of the same ethnicity or nationality?
What would you do if your parents do not approve of your choice for a spouse?
Does your family know that you are talking to _______________ about marriage?
Marriage Expectations: (11 Questions)
What is your concept of an Islamic marriage?
Are you seeking only an Islamic Marriage, or civil, or both? Explain why for all reasons.
What are your expectations of marriage?
What are the three most important requirements you look for in a potential spouse?
What are you expecting of your spouse?
What is your view of the role of a husband?
What is your view of the role of a wife?
What would you consider causes serious enough for a divorce?
Are you seeking a polygamous marriage? Explain why/ why not in detail.
How do you dress?
How would you expect your future spouse to dress?
About the Future: (6 Questions)
What are your goals in life? Long term and short term plans.
Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the new future.
Where do you want to live (country)? And why? How would you gain legal status there?
What are your career goals (realistic and achievable)?
How long do you expect to achieve those goals?
ًWhat are you doing to achieve those goals currently?
About Religion: (22 Questions)
What is the role of religion in your life – now?
Are you a spiritual person?
What can you offer your mate, spiritually?
What sect (Sunni/Shia) do you follow?
Do you follow a specific madhab?
Do you practice Sufism?
How much Qur'an do you have memorized?
Do you pray all 5 daily prayers? Do you pray them on time? If not, why?
Do you dress according to Islamic guidelines? If not, why?
Do you pray Tarawih during Ramadan? If not, why?
Do you pray any or all of your prayers in the masjid?
If you are a male, do you pray every Jummah prayer in the masjid? If not, why?
Have you ever performed Ummrah or Hajj?
Do you celebrate birthdays of people or the Prophet PBUH?
How do you interact with non-Muslims during their holidays?
If you have non-Muslim family members, how do you manage the non-Muslim holidays?
Do you pay your Zakat every year?
Do you give sadaqa regularly?
If you got married, and your spouse's family needed financial assistance would you be willing to help them if/when the need arises?
If your spouse has children from a prior marriage, are you willing to provide financial support to them? Or will it be 100% upon your spouse and their ex?
What if the ex doesn't provide support, what would you do?
What would you do if your spouse became lazy in their prayers, or other Islamic obligations?
Daily Life Matters: (11 Questions)
Are you vegetarian? If so, what if your spouse is not? How will meals be prepared?
Do you eat strictly zabiha, or do you eat food from “people of the book” and say bismillah?
What if your spouse doesn't follow the same dietary expectations about halal mentioned in the last question?
If your spouse has guests over for dinner, do you feel they should be segregated by sex? What if it is one person, verses a married couple?
Do you believe that both the husband and wife should help in cooking?
Do you feel that both the husband and wife should share in household chores?
What is your opinion of speaking other languages in the home that I do not understand? With friends? With family?
Do you like to have guests in your home for entertainment?
How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
Do you expect all decisions to be made as a couple, considering the other's views? Or do you believe the man makes all the decisions even if the wife disagrees? How will you manage this situation?
Do you support the idea of utilizing baby-sitters and maids?
Social Life: (11 Questions)
Who are your friends? Identify at least three.
How did you get to know them, and how long have you known them?
Why are they your friends?
What do you like most about them?
What will your relationship with them be like after marriage?
Do you have friends from the opposite sex?
What is the level of your relationship with them currently?
What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslim community in your area?
Are you volunteering in any Islamic or other activities?
Hobbies or Free Time Interests: (8 Questions)
What are the things that you do in your free time?
Do you travel?
How do you spend your vacations?
How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
Do you read?
What do you read?
Do you listen to music? If so, what kind? (regular music, nasheeds, or both)?
Do you have problems with the fact your spouse may or may not listen to music?
In-Laws: (11 Questions)
What do you expect your relationship to be like with the family of your spouse?
What do you expect the relationship between your spouse and your family to be like?
Is there anyone in your family that lives with you now?
Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
Will your spouse be obligated to care (physically or financially) for the in-laws if they live with you?
Are there any family members that are financially dependent on you for support? (partial or full support) Explain.
If for any reason your relationship with your in-laws turns sour, what should be done?
If for any reason your spouse's relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?
If your family mistreats your spouse in a matter, how would you handle the situation?
If your spouse mistreat your family in a situation, how would you handle the situation?
If a family conflict reaches an unresolvable solution, and either your family or your spouse gives you the ultimate that it is “you or them”, how would you resolve the matter?
Dealing with Emotions: (20 Questions)
After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
How do you express your admiration for someone that you know - now?
How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?
Do you like to write your feelings?
If someone has wronged you, how do you want them to apologize to you?
If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?
How much time passes before you choose to forgive someone?
Do you use foul language at home? In public? With your family?
Do your friends use foul language?
Does your family use foul language?
How do you express anger?
How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
What do you do when you are angry?
When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in a marriage?
When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or not, how should the conflict be resolved?
Are you willing to have intervention via an Imam, counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist if needed?
Define mental, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse.
What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?
Health and Wellness: (10 Questions)
Do you suffer from any chronic disease, condition, or disability?
Do you smoke? If so, how much? Do you plan to quit? What are you doing to try to quit?
Do you drink alcohol? If so, how much? Do you plan to quit? What are you doing to quit?
Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician, before marriage?
Are you willing to be tested for STDs before marriage?
What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
How do you support your own health and nutrition?
Do you exercise regularly? If so where and how often?
If your spouse wanted to exercise regularly in a gym, would you permit it?
If you, or your spouse fell ill with a chronic illness, condition, or disability, how would you manage supporting the family in such situation? Would the need arise to have a family member live with you if that happened, and whom?
Money Matters: (15 Questions)
What is your definition of wealth?
How would you describe your personal financial status? (poor, lower middle-class, middle-class, upper-middle class, high class)
How would you describe your family's financial status? (poor, lower middle-class, middle-class, upper-middle class, high class)
How do you spend your money?
How do you save your money?
How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate the debt?
Do you use credit cards?
Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a home?
What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
What is your financial responsibility in a marriage?
Do you support the idea of a working wife?
If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
Your Future Marital Home: (9 Questions)
Do you currently own/rent a home? Where?
If you don't currently have a home for when you marry, when/where will you get one? Will it be rented or owned?
Who will furnish the home?
Work and Your Spouse:
If you are male, do you permit your wife to work if she desires to?
If you are female, do you require the permission to work?
If she works, would she be (expected/required/optional) to help support the home and family?
Are there any conditions (if you are male) that you would have on your wife, for her to be ale to work? (ex: certain types of jobs, or environments)
If the husband falls on hard times, and needs assistance to support the home, do you feel the wife should help, or should he rely on his family to help?
Children: (19 Questions)
Do you want to have children? If not, why?
To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
If you already have children, who do they live with?
What is the legal agreement for support and residence for them for you, verses their other parent?
Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, then when?
What is your relationship with your children, now?
What is the best method of raising children?
What is the best method of disciplining children?
How were you disciplined as a child?
How were you raised?
Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
Do you believe in public schools for your children?
Do you believe in Islamic schools for your children?
Do you believe in home-schooling your children? If so, by whom?
What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates and friends?
Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all of their grandparents?
If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of a different culture or race, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?
Do you believe in abortion in your family?
Chances of Moving and Living Abroad After Marriage: (8 Questions)
Do you think there is a chance that you would need to move to another country at any point after marriage? If so, why, and where, and would it be temporary, or permanent. Explain all possible circumstances.
If your spouse has children from a previous marriage, and their spouse doesn't permit their children to move abroad, how would you manage this situation? (Leave children with other parent, or would you stay in that country)
If you have children with your spouse, would you allow your spouse and children to visit their families back home without you traveling with them? Or only if you travel with them? And Why?
If you are a male, are you willing and able to provide the cost of the international visit for your spouse and children to visit their families?
What would happen if you divorced while living abroad? Who will live where, as well as the children if your spouse wants to move back to their country? Who will pay for the cost of such a situation?
Would the spouse easily be able to find employment abroad?
Are you willing to do immigration for your spouse?
Who would pay for the immigration procedure?
Divorce: (11 Questions)
If you were to divorce, Allah forbid, who would take custody of the children if you have any?
Do you give permission for your spouse and children to move back to your spouse's country so that they can be with their families?
Who will take ownership of the household furnishings?
Who will take ownership of the home?
During the iddah period, would it be expected (for the husband) to move out, or the wife? Or live together?
How much support, and what methods will be provided for the wife and for how long? And if there are children?
If you live apart from each other in different countries, and the other fails to provide support for the children, how would the situation be addressed?
If you have children, and get divorced, would the wife be allowed to keep custody if she remarried? If not, explain why you would disagree on it.
If you have children, and get divorced, would the husband be allowed to keep custody if he remarried? If no, explain why you would disagree on it.
If the wife desires a divorce, and has to initiate khula, would the husband grant it with ease?
How can the wife ensure she will get any deferred mahr that is owed to her? How can you protect that right?
Copyright 2013 www.ifoundislam.net